My Own Road

I am one among the many women who have had a tragic/sad/scary pregnancy.

When I was processing our diagnosis and walking through the worst of it --- I searched for stories from other women who had been through something similar. And surprisingly, the vastness of the internet came up short. I found a few stories—but very little that truly reflected my experience.

So, I started turning to the women in my own life.

I asked my mom about her birth history which included a miscarriage before me, so I am the rainbow baby of her world. I recalled and grieved anew the quiet losses within my family and finally began to understand what those moments must have meant to them.

I spoke to friends who shared stories about their worst moments so that I would not be alone during mine. One of the women I spoke with, my attending (your mentor/boss in the world of medical residency), shared with me that she had terminated her pregnancy at almost the exact gestational age for medical reasons. She now had two healthy children and felt at peace with her decision years later. This conversation lasted all of 5 minutes, in the middle of an ER shift, and I never spoke with her about it again.

And yet, it made me feel seen. Moreso than any other conversation I had in the weeks prior. More than any conversation with my spouse or doctors or family. It made me feel like I would and could heal one day. That there was a path forward, even if I could not see it right at that moment.

In telling my story openly and honestly, I felt like I was acknowledging the life inside of me. That I was acknowledging Parker. That his life mattered. That he was real. And in the process of telling my story openly -- I had to acknowledge it, to say it out loud. Own it. Really feel it. Grieve. Heal.

And so, here we are. UNDERtheHEART was born, even if he was not.

This website is for you my sweet baby.

Who I held in my body, but never in my arms.

A perfect baby foot. Of a baby who never came to be. A baby I hold under my heart. I will always love you.